08.18The Language of Love
I have only been single for about a year now after getting out of a six plus year relationship. I would like to say I have dated two people after my break up but during my six year exclusion from the mating game the definitions have changed dramatically. Even the word definition is a big no no to use when describing what you are doing romantically with another person. I always thought the term dating meant that you have been on at least three dates with a person and by date I mean they contact you or you contact them in order to ask if they would like to join you in a recreational activity or meal with romance being in the equation somewhere. The only commitment involved was agreeing to be seen with the person in public. Sex was not a given when you said you were “dating” someone but it was not out of the question either. Now apparently the exchange I just described is called “hanging out” with someone. The term “hanging out” about eight years ago meant you just happen to be at the same location like your apartment and you watched TV, got stoned and did not go out publicly. Romance was not really a factor unless of course you were just ”hooking up”. “Hooking up” meant you knew the person, never really went out for recreational activities/meals alone together and one night after you or the both of you had too much to drink you ended up making out or going further. A mistake more or less but one that would be repeated if you found yourselves out again and drunk. The term “friend” was just like the Webster dictionary definition, platonic, no romance involved ect. The term exclusive meant you were not ready to say you were a couple but it did mean you were having sex with just that person. Girlfriend/Boyfriend used to mean you were exclusive, shared meals/recreational activities and were a couple. Fiancé meant you agreed to marry the person who used to be your girlfriend or boyfriend. Married meant your parents spent thousands of their dollars on a huge party for their friends and family that you had not seen in years while you and your fiancé agreed to be committed to making a life together. From the limited time I have had to ask people who have been single a few years I have gathered that the following terms are defined today like this:
Married= surgically fused to the other person forced to wear matching outfits.
I understand the lameness of labels and how they can box something in by defining it, I generally think that if you are lucky enough to find someone you really enjoy being around to let things happen the way they are supposed to, enjoy the moment. Expectation will be a factor soon enough. But when you are at a cocktail party why does the answer to “So is he your boyfriend?” have to turn into “No. I would say we are dating because for the past three months he has called me each week to ask me if I would like to go to the movies, dinner or grab a glass of wine with him but apparently dating is much more involved than I have ever knew (still not clear on what it means now)and I can’t say we’re seeing each other because that would still be like saying we are dating even though when you agree to spend time with a person you are forced to see them physically with your eyes unless you’re blind folded, which I would probably have to be committed to the person a bit more before agreeing to anything involving blind folds, I digress. So all I can say is we agree to have meals or engage in recreational activities and it has been more than three times with an element of romance in the equation.”
After that explanation I usually need a nap.


In case you haven’t heard, the Bush administration wants to rewrite the Endangered Species Act to cut scientific review by independent experts out of the picture completely.Under the proposed new rules, dam and highway construction and other federal projects could proceed without delay if the agency in charge decides they would not harm vulnerable species.For those of you who don’t know what that means: any federal agency can just say “We’re not harming anything. Let’s tear down this forest for a new highway!” That will certainly mean the demise of many animals on the endangered list.And in case you’re interested, no vote is needed here, just a 30 day comment period and then the rules are in place.In the words of my friend Gail, this is some “deep dish bullshit.” Seriously, this is one of the craziest things to come out of the Bush administration in years. Our own national symbol, the bald eagle would almost certainly be extinct if not for the Endangered Species Act.But fuck it! I guess we need more highways and bridges after all.
Lola I started dating this amazing girl about two weeks ago. She is everything a guy could ask for except for one thing. We had sex for the first time last week and it was great but every time I have gone down on her since, she farts. At first I ignored it but now I’m starting to get grossed out. Is there a way you can bring that up without hurting someone’s feelings? -Tony Tony No. There isn’t. Alright, if your girlfriend is so amazing why is she farting in your face? My question is: “Does she say excuse me?” I could say so many things right now but I won’t. I know this is awkward at best, so you are right to be cautious. First off, you have to say something. That is the kind of thing that makes you want to never eat pussy again. You simply sit her down and say… OK. There is no easy way to say it. You’re kind of fucked. Basically you will offend this girl no matter what. But apparently she didn’t mind if she farted in your face…repeatedly. So…you have to just pony up and tell her to try to control her asshole while you’re munching the carpet. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. I wish I had better advice for you but if I were in your shoes, I would have soaked the bitch in gas and set her on fire. Purge that disgusting memory with fire. That or talk to her about it like an adult. I like fire better.
Lola
Come on people! What is the New York district attorney trying to prove by asking Mary Kate Olsen to testify about her knowledge about the drugs that ultimately killed Heath Ledger? Everyone knows that an ape can’t logically say anything of value in a court of law.
I just read that Pam Anderson reached out to help the needy and impoverished by breast feeding Somalia. God love her. She’s got a couple kids of her own but she’s still trying to help out others.
I just heard that on a recent trip to the doctors, Mary Kate Olsen was tested for ovarian cancer and when the tests came back, they found that her DNA matched with the DNA of a Rhesus Monkey!
I am here in Nassau in the Bahamas and it is a fucking crazy place! There is a serial killer that is targeting gay men and the papers call him the “Sissy Killer”! Can you believe that shit? I can’t. The public, the government and the local churches don’t care about people getting murdered, to the point where they celebrate the killer by using funny names and joking about it.